What makes for a truly *GREAT* relationship or marriage?

Happy Fall! I listened to a podcast weeks ago that had a quote I can't stop thinking about from the entrepreneur and investor Naval Ravikant: " The only true test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life ." Of course, in my line of work, I think about this through the lens of relationships. Are we getting what we want out of them? Are we giving enough of ourselves to be experiencing the types of relationships we want to be in? What's our part in ensuring we get the type of intimate, romantic relationship we want? And if we aren't currently in a romantic partnership or marriage that we actively want to be in, what does that mean for our life? Mark and I met 5 years ago in Palm Springs, so this it is always a special place for me to come back to. I think back to the “Anna” of 5 years ago and how much she wanted to be in an aligned partnership that felt right. One that made her feel seen, known, and loved. This summer we spent a month in Palm Springs and one morning, while Mark and I were cuddling before we got out of bed to start the day, he whispered to me, “You looked so pretty at dinner last night.” In that small, micro moment, I felt so seen. This sense of peace and serenity just washed over me and I thought, “Oh my gosh - this - this is the type of relationship I so deeply wanted to be in.” Drop me a line and let me know if you agree or disagree with the quote above. I'd love to hear from you. xo, Anna

My husband Mark and I had a breakthrough in recent coaching session, where we were the clients. Mark and I had had a disconnect recently and we were asked to actively work it out in front of the coach. We thought we pretty well worked it out in front of her and came to a solution without her help, but her response turned our thoughts around. She actually looked at Mark and said, “Mark, I think it's completely fine if Anna says she doesn't feel loved when you don't do X,Y, or Z.” And in that moment, Mark softened and realized she was right, and that what he was asking me (to not say that again about this particular thing) was not okay. Hilariously, of course I am sharing a story that was to my benefit :) but the powerful point here, regardless of who had the “Aha” moment, is that even people who do this for a living need outside help! An outside, objective third party to help us see things that we can't see for ourselves, and that we sure as heck can't see when our partner tries to show us. I have been thinking about the importance of investing in things that matter most. Mark and I pay for outside help to assist us in our own marriage. Your marriage or your romantic partnership is arguably the MOST important relationship in your life and has an outsized impact on your happiness. Why wouldn't you want to invest in the thing that has such a direct impact on your day to day happiness? We spend money on trips, cars, botox, gym memberships, organic food, high quality supplements, fancy clothes and handbags, etc. Those things bring many of us happiness and health in lots of areas of life. But if you had to put a dollar amount on what it would be worth to you to have a thriving, vibrant relationship or marriage, what would that number be for you? Would it be as much as you spend on botox or golf throughout the year? What's peak relational happiness & health worth to you? And if your marriage has ended or is headed for an end, what is the healing and recovery worth to you? What's the clarity or peace that could come from outside help worth to you? When I was contemplating divorce, going through it, and dating afterwards, I invested an incredibly large amount of money on hiring outside help for myself in those seasons. I was in crisis - I was going to drown without it. I put a high price on surviving - and invested in outside help like my life depended on it - because it did. I can tell you in that recent “Aha” moment with my own husband, that number was very, very high to me. How Mark and I are doing a day to day basis might have the biggest impact on my own happiness and well being. Sending so much love, Anna

Is there a particular story you tell yourself about who you are? "I'm from this academic pedigree, so I..." “I'm from this type of family, so that means I…” “I'm from this type of religious background, so I…” When we are growing up, we pick up a lot of “stories” about who we are based on where we were raised, what type of family we grew up in, what religion we were raised in, where we went to school, maybe even as far as what teams we cheered for. I recently finished Donald Miller's book called “Building a Story Brand," and the main premise is that we all see ourselves in a story or multiple stories. My interest in this for the people I support is, “what are the stories you are telling yourself about yourself, that maybe are no longer true?” Is there a different story you could have never imagined or picked for yourself, but it's actually okay to step into that story because it might not be as bad as you think it will be? What if the new story is actually better? I certainly never in a million years would have guessed that divorce would be a part of my story - it was unfathomable for a solid 34 years of my existence on planet earth. I had SO much inner work to do to adjust and thrive in my new story - a story I never anticipated having to step into. You mean on doctors' intake forms I now have to check the box, “Divorced" ? (and that's just a tiny example!) I had a client this past year with an incredible academic pedigree, a great job, 3 kids, a 20+ year marriage, and he told me for the longest time he never even questioned the dissatisfaction in his marriage because he was holding on to the story: “I'm not a guy that gets divorced. I'm the guy who stays married to the same woman for 50 years.” A lot of our work together centered on helping him release that old story, and helping him to be open to a new one; where yes, he would be “a divorced guy,” but he might be blissed out happy. Being open to a new story is incredibly challenging because change is so painfully hard. One of my favorite quotes from Lori Gottlieb, in her book “ Maybe You Should Talk to Someone ,” says, “Change and loss travel together. We can't have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same.” What story do you possibly need to change? The divorced woman? The guy who stays married forever despite deep dissatisfaction? The widower who stays single because they can't “settle” on someone? The person who lost a marriage they never wanted to lose… The person who keeps dating the wrong person and ends up perpetually frustrated with their romantic life?  Stepping into a new story is hard; most of the times it's devastatingly hard. If you or someone you know needs help stepping into a new story, reach out to me. I would love to hear from you and to serve. I started my coaching practice years ago now with the explicit purpose to help people feel less alone as they step into their new story - whether that's rebuilding a marriage that's really hurting, going through a divorce, recovering from a divorce, or dating after divorce. If you follow me on social media, I think you have an idea that stepping into a new story can be pretty flipping fantastic 😉 Here's to having incredibly stories, Anna

Have you ever felt completely unseen or unknown in your relationship? Have you ever felt like you didn't know your spouse or parter at all any more? My husband and I participated in an 8-week long workshop this past spring with Stan & Tracey Tatkin, called “Wired for Love.” In one of the first sessions, Stan talked about the importance of “having a PhD in your partner,” to really and truly know them. As he spoke, he said something that was SO simple, but stood out to me as deeply profound. He said: “After awhile the phrase, ”What's wrong?" feels like “Who are you?”" Meaning, that if you have to consistently ask your partner, “What's wrong?” after many years of a marriage or partnership, at some point you are essentially acknowledging that you don't really know them. I think this hit me so hard because it's how I felt in my first marriage; I felt so unseen and so unknown - shocked that after so many years together he still didn't know how to love or care for me. Additionally, one of the best books I've read in a long time is, “ Strangers ,” by Belle Burden. It's her memoir of being left, out of the blue, by her husband of many years, at the start of covid. It's truly shocking to hear her story and see what a completely different person her husband became when he seemingly out of nowhere and with no explanation, left her, their three children, and their shared life together. What a wild thing to spend many, many years with someone, only to feel like you don't actually know them at all… Let me know if any of this resonates with you - I would love to hear. I think as humans, we all desperately want to be deeply seen, known, and loved despite all of our flaws and cherished for all of the good in us.

A hot topic I’ve seen everywhere recently is the practice of a “Sleep Divorce.” Many people are coming forward online, in articles, social media, and on podcasts sharing that they sleep separately from their husband, wife, or partner. Their assertion is that physically sleeping next to or sharing a bed with their spouse or partner disturbs their sleep so greatly, that for their own mental and physical health, they need to sleep alone. Many people go so far as to say, “This is actually saving us from a real divorce! If I don’t have my uninterrupted, unadulterated sleep I am a mess and it will not be good for anyone. If I don’t get my sleep, I can’t show up as the best version of myself for my partner, kids, colleagues, etc.” People are SO polarized on this issue. The opposite side of the above argument is that a “sleep divorce” could be a slippery slope to a real divorce. I am squarely on this side of the debate, I’m afraid. I think sleeping together, nightly, in the same bed is one of the most intimate, connecting things you do as a couple. I feel so strongly that sleeping with my partner is hugely important for our intimacy (and I’m not just talking about sex, although it is helpful there as well :) When my clients tell me they have not slept in the same bed or the same room as their spouse for 3 years, 5 years, etc, I am always saddened. It’s simply never a good sign; in my work, it has always been a very, very bad one. I often ask them, “How did this start?” The answers vary…everyone’s story is unique. In my first marriage, we never went to sleep at the time. My ex-husband often worked through dinner, or if he didn’t, directly after dinner he would head back to the office or to our home office for the rest of the night. I was left alone with our small children to feed them, bath them, read to them, and sing them to sleep. After the littles were in bed, I headed back down to the kitchen to clean the inevitable messes that toddlers and babies sling on to the floor, wipe the counter tops, highchairs, did the dishes, folded laundry, etc. I would listen to podcasts or audio books alone while doing these tasks. I would then work some too or head straight to bed from exhaustion. My ex always came to sleep 2-3 hours after me. In hindsight this was a huge mistake, but I’m not sure if it would have been editable… A huge advantage of getting to begin again in a relationship after divorce, is that you get to immediately call out what’s important to you: you get to set new patterns of life and how you operate. My fiance and I fall asleep in each other’s arms every single night, and it is one of the most connecting, intimate things I have ever done. I look forward to it every day; it sometimes is my most favorite part of the day. What a delicious end cap to a day…in the arms of your beloved, drifting off to dream. I am totally addicted to it, and couldn’t recommend it enough. Because of my love of falling asleep together, I cannot at all endorse a “sleep divorce” for couples, because I’ve been in a marriage where we never went to bed at the same time, and now I’m creating a marriage where we not only go to sleep together each night, but we are physically entangled, holding one another. It is the dearest, most romantic practice… Where do you land on this debate?! Let me know if you are pro solo sleep, or if you’re like me and love to be held as you drift off… xo, Anna

I was recently in California to do a walkthrough at our wedding venue, taste all the delicious wines to select the ones to be served at our wedding, and to meet in-person for the first time, our Wedding Coordinator, Amanda. Amanda was so lovely, but kept on asking me the question, “Have you thought about this?” referring to many different details and aspects of the wedding. My answer every time was, “No.” Ha - “I’m having a wedding?!” was the thought that kept popping in my mind.  This morning over coffee and eggs, I looked at Mark (my fiance) and said, “Tomorrow is 6 weeks until our wedding.” His face froze and his eyes got big. “Right, exactly.” I said. Ha! This wedding, like so many things in life, has turned out to be way more expensive and way more time intensive than I had anticipated (not shocking). There have been moments in these last weeks where we’ve just thought, “Ugh why didn’t we just get married on the beach in Laguna? Or have a back yard ceremony at your parents’ house? Or just go to the courthouse?” This is nuts. But, then I remember: this is the first wedding my children will have ever been to - their Mom’s wedding. I wanted it to be more substantive than a simple beach side ceremony or back yard celebration. Getting married is a big deal, and I have to imagine a particularly odd deal when watching one of your parents get married. I want a real ceremony, as we as a culture have truly evolved to a place of a deep lack of ceremony and ritual. There are fewer and fewer times now that families, friends, and communities gather together to celebrate, mourn, honor, or cherish important milestones in people’s lives. I wanted not just our families, but our dear friends to be there, to witness Mark and I committing to this new container of marriage. News flash: it went sideways for both of us the first time, so maybe he and I need some extra help and involvement from the people who love us. I want all our dear friends present who have watched our love bloom, who have taken my teary phone calls when I’ve been upset, and have fielded Mark’s concerns that maybe being in a relationship wasn’t worth it. People have loved us well these last 3.5 years, and I want them there with us as we commit to doing life together. What do you think about second weddings? Courthouse or proper ceremony? I’m excited - I love parties and I love love. xo Anna

I am divorced, but I love love, dating, relationships, romance, and marriage. I, myself, am getting married (again) in 7 weeks which in some ways feels nuts considering I just got out of a marriage 5 years ago. I am having a lot of big feelings and emotions come up around entering this container again. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head related to the differences between my first wedding and my second wedding. I may try to unpack a lot of them here in the coming weeks.. there are more differences than similarities!  One of the most significant initial differences is that for my first wedding, I had 12 bridesmaids… TWELVE. That is a lot of recent sorority girl college grads (well my sister wasn’t in a sorority and one of my besties from NYC wasn’t, but the other 10 - yes). For my second wedding, Mark and I are not doing bridesmaids and groomsmen; this time I’ll have zero. That’s a big change… 12 to 0. What’s even more wild to me is that only 4 of the 12 are even invited! I hardly speak to the 8 not invited; some not at all because when I got divorced, many of my super religious friends did not agree with that call and decided I was on an evil path away from God (insert upside down smiley face emoji). I’m not sure it will be helpful or not, but when my kids are 22 and graduating from college (hopefully!) I am going to tell them, you feel SO CLOSE to your college friends right now, like you’ll be thick as thieves with them your whole life because of the amazing 4 years you just logged with them, but you actually have no idea IF or which ONES will end up standing the test of time. I suppose, I was in a particularly tough scenario being a fairly religious Christian, and thus lots of my very best girlfriends were also very Christian; these are the ones I lost in the divorce. I could not have anticipated or known how deeply those friendships were tied to a shared commitment to religious precepts. I wrongly thought they loved me and loved our friendship because of who I was / am, but apparently I chose the “wrong path” away from God when I got divorced. Therefore, when they didn’t agree with my choices, we could no longer be friends (according to them). Okay?? Ha. Religion is wild; but more importantly, and sadly, people’s tightly wound commitment to a set of dogmatic beliefs that would allow for those beliefs to be more important than a friendship. So in 7 weeks time, I will get married again without the presence of some women I could never have anticipated would no longer be in my life, and that is heartbreaking. Some were like actual, real sisters to me. I saw a recent post on social media that said: “Remember who stayed by your side through all of your life’s plot twists. Those are your people.” Amen ;) Grateful to all my people who stayed in my life and loved me in spite of my life’s plot twists. I’m also insanely grateful for all the new beautiful souls I’ve picked up along the way that I now consider dear friends, who I am ecstatic will be there to celebrate at my 2nd wedding. Sometimes you have to lose things that no longer fit, to gain more beautiful things in their place. xo Anna

One of the things many people think about when they consider, "Should I get divorced?" is whether or not they could stomach the idea of seeing their current spouse with someone else. For a long time, I know the idea of this gutted me. The thought of my ex-husband with someone else was sometimes enough of a "stop" for me mentally, that it would quiet other thoughts I was having of things being "off" between us. I couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else.  Fast forward to 5 years post our divorce, yesterday I met my ex-husband's girlfriend (or the first one he's wanted me to meet). I was nervous initially, and kind of swirled on what an odd thing it is to meet your children’s father’s girlfriend, but then I was able to settle into being really happy and excited about it. I was able to do this for 2 reasons: 1) I am really happy in my own life. When you first get divorced, of course you need to focus a lot of attention on the children, but you also need to take a lot of care to focus on your own happiness. If you are able to slowly but surely create a life YOU are happy with, then you are in such a better place energetically to allow your ex to move on and be happy themselves. When you have happiness on your own, you have a magnetic ability to hope and wish for happiness for all of those in your orbit, including your ex! Life is too short. 2) This person is most likely going to be around your children, and no matter what the status of your relationship is with your ex, one of the GREATEST gifts you can give your children (and your ex) is to allow the children to welcome this person into the fold or the family. Being antagonistic, unkind, and cold to your ex's new partner does not serve anyone. Read that again. The coffee date with my ex’s girlfriend yesterday was so lovely. She was bright, kind, and warm. I was able to discuss openly how important it is to me that Tim, the children, and I are still a family even though we are no longer a couple. She shared that her parents got divorced when she was 11, and that this is the exact dynamic she grew up with; her parents remained close friends and ended up being friends with each other’s new partners as well. I was shocked; how perfect. So I triple checked with her and said, “So it’s not intimidating to you how close we are? That doesn’t bother you?” She explicitly said, “Nope, this is exactly what I grew up with, so I am totally comfortable with it.” I walked away from the coffee date in almost disbelief. How perfect to welcome someone into our fold who literally had this as her own family experience? We hugged in the parking lot and later exchanged warm texts acknowledging how lovely it was to meet one another. So much of divorce and post-divorce life sucks, but then you have a meeting and reality that is so epically beautiful like this, and you think, “Damn, this is turning out all right…” With love and gratitude, Anna