Second weddings...yay or nay?
Anna Howerton • September 6, 2024
I was recently in California to do a walkthrough at our wedding venue, taste all the delicious wines to select the ones to be served at our wedding, and to meet in-person for the first time, our Wedding Coordinator, Amanda. Amanda was so lovely, but kept on asking me the question, “Have you thought about this?” referring to many different details and aspects of the wedding. My answer every time was, “No.” Ha - “I’m having a wedding?!” was the thought that kept popping in my mind.
This morning over coffee and eggs, I looked at Mark (my fiance) and said, “Tomorrow is 6 weeks until our wedding.” His face froze and his eyes got big. “Right, exactly.” I said. Ha!
This wedding, like so many things in life, has turned out to be way more expensive and way more time intensive than I had anticipated (not shocking). There have been moments in these last weeks where we’ve just thought, “Ugh why didn’t we just get married on the beach in Laguna? Or have a back yard ceremony at your parents’ house? Or just go to the courthouse?” This is nuts.
But, then I remember: this is the first wedding my children will have ever been to - their Mom’s wedding. I wanted it to be more substantive than a simple beach side ceremony or back yard celebration. Getting married is a big deal, and I have to imagine a particularly odd deal when watching one of your parents get married. I want a real ceremony, as we as a culture have truly evolved to a place of a deep lack of ceremony and ritual. There are fewer and fewer times now that families, friends, and communities gather together to celebrate, mourn, honor, or cherish important milestones in people’s lives. I wanted not just our families, but our dear friends to be there, to witness Mark and I committing to this new container of marriage. News flash: it went sideways for both of us the first time, so maybe he and I need some extra help and involvement from the people who love us. I want all our dear friends present who have watched our love bloom, who have taken my teary phone calls when I’ve been upset, and have fielded Mark’s concerns that maybe being in a relationship wasn’t worth it. People have loved us well these last 3.5 years, and I want them there with us as we commit to doing life together.
What do you think about second weddings? Courthouse or proper ceremony?
I’m excited - I love parties and I love love.
xo
Anna
A hot topic I’ve seen everywhere recently is the practice of a “Sleep Divorce.” Many people are coming forward online, in articles, social media, and on podcasts sharing that they sleep separately from their husband, wife, or partner. Their assertion is that physically sleeping next to or sharing a bed with their spouse or partner disturbs their sleep so greatly, that for their own mental and physical health, they need to sleep alone. Many people go so far as to say, “This is actually saving us from a real divorce! If I don’t have my uninterrupted, unadulterated sleep I am a mess and it will not be good for anyone. If I don’t get my sleep, I can’t show up as the best version of myself for my partner, kids, colleagues, etc.” People are SO polarized on this issue. The opposite side of the above argument is that a “sleep divorce” could be a slippery slope to a real divorce. I am squarely on this side of the debate, I’m afraid. I think sleeping together, nightly, in the same bed is one of the most intimate, connecting things you do as a couple. I feel so strongly that sleeping with my partner is hugely important for our intimacy (and I’m not just talking about sex, although it is helpful there as well :) When my clients tell me they have not slept in the same bed or the same room as their spouse for 3 years, 5 years, etc, I am always saddened. It’s simply never a good sign; in my work, it has always been a very, very bad one. I often ask them, “How did this start?” The answers vary…everyone’s story is unique. In my first marriage, we never went to sleep at the time. My ex-husband often worked through dinner, or if he didn’t, directly after dinner he would head back to the office or to our home office for the rest of the night. I was left alone with our small children to feed them, bath them, read to them, and sing them to sleep. After the littles were in bed, I headed back down to the kitchen to clean the inevitable messes that toddlers and babies sling on to the floor, wipe the counter tops, highchairs, did the dishes, folded laundry, etc. I would listen to podcasts or audio books alone while doing these tasks. I would then work some too or head straight to bed from exhaustion. My ex always came to sleep 2-3 hours after me. In hindsight this was a huge mistake, but I’m not sure if it would have been editable… A huge advantage of getting to begin again in a relationship after divorce, is that you get to immediately call out what’s important to you: you get to set new patterns of life and how you operate. My fiance and I fall asleep in each other’s arms every single night, and it is one of the most connecting, intimate things I have ever done. I look forward to it every day; it sometimes is my most favorite part of the day. What a delicious end cap to a day…in the arms of your beloved, drifting off to dream. I am totally addicted to it, and couldn’t recommend it enough. Because of my love of falling asleep together, I cannot at all endorse a “sleep divorce” for couples, because I’ve been in a marriage where we never went to bed at the same time, and now I’m creating a marriage where we not only go to sleep together each night, but we are physically entangled, holding one another. It is the dearest, most romantic practice… Where do you land on this debate?! Let me know if you are pro solo sleep, or if you’re like me and love to be held as you drift off… xo, Anna
I am divorced, but I love love, dating, relationships, romance, and marriage. I, myself, am getting married (again) in 7 weeks which in some ways feels nuts considering I just got out of a marriage 5 years ago. I am having a lot of big feelings and emotions come up around entering this container again. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head related to the differences between my first wedding and my second wedding. I may try to unpack a lot of them here in the coming weeks.. there are more differences than similarities! One of the most significant initial differences is that for my first wedding, I had 12 bridesmaids… TWELVE. That is a lot of recent sorority girl college grads (well my sister wasn’t in a sorority and one of my besties from NYC wasn’t, but the other 10 - yes). For my second wedding, Mark and I are not doing bridesmaids and groomsmen; this time I’ll have zero. That’s a big change… 12 to 0. What’s even more wild to me is that only 4 of the 12 are even invited! I hardly speak to the 8 not invited; some not at all because when I got divorced, many of my super religious friends did not agree with that call and decided I was on an evil path away from God (insert upside down smiley face emoji). I’m not sure it will be helpful or not, but when my kids are 22 and graduating from college (hopefully!) I am going to tell them, you feel SO CLOSE to your college friends right now, like you’ll be thick as thieves with them your whole life because of the amazing 4 years you just logged with them, but you actually have no idea IF or which ONES will end up standing the test of time. I suppose, I was in a particularly tough scenario being a fairly religious Christian, and thus lots of my very best girlfriends were also very Christian; these are the ones I lost in the divorce. I could not have anticipated or known how deeply those friendships were tied to a shared commitment to religious precepts. I wrongly thought they loved me and loved our friendship because of who I was / am, but apparently I chose the “wrong path” away from God when I got divorced. Therefore, when they didn’t agree with my choices, we could no longer be friends (according to them). Okay?? Ha. Religion is wild; but more importantly, and sadly, people’s tightly wound commitment to a set of dogmatic beliefs that would allow for those beliefs to be more important than a friendship. So in 7 weeks time, I will get married again without the presence of some women I could never have anticipated would no longer be in my life, and that is heartbreaking. Some were like actual, real sisters to me. I saw a recent post on social media that said: “Remember who stayed by your side through all of your life’s plot twists. Those are your people.” Amen ;) Grateful to all my people who stayed in my life and loved me in spite of my life’s plot twists. I’m also insanely grateful for all the new beautiful souls I’ve picked up along the way that I now consider dear friends, who I am ecstatic will be there to celebrate at my 2nd wedding. Sometimes you have to lose things that no longer fit, to gain more beautiful things in their place. xo Anna
One of the things many people think about when they consider, "Should I get divorced?" is whether or not they could stomach the idea of seeing their current spouse with someone else. For a long time, I know the idea of this gutted me. The thought of my ex-husband with someone else was sometimes enough of a "stop" for me mentally, that it would quiet other thoughts I was having of things being "off" between us. I couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else. Fast forward to 5 years post our divorce, yesterday I met my ex-husband's girlfriend (or the first one he's wanted me to meet). I was nervous initially, and kind of swirled on what an odd thing it is to meet your children’s father’s girlfriend, but then I was able to settle into being really happy and excited about it. I was able to do this for 2 reasons: 1) I am really happy in my own life. When you first get divorced, of course you need to focus a lot of attention on the children, but you also need to take a lot of care to focus on your own happiness. If you are able to slowly but surely create a life YOU are happy with, then you are in such a better place energetically to allow your ex to move on and be happy themselves. When you have happiness on your own, you have a magnetic ability to hope and wish for happiness for all of those in your orbit, including your ex! Life is too short. 2) This person is most likely going to be around your children, and no matter what the status of your relationship is with your ex, one of the GREATEST gifts you can give your children (and your ex) is to allow the children to welcome this person into the fold or the family. Being antagonistic, unkind, and cold to your ex's new partner does not serve anyone. Read that again. The coffee date with my ex’s girlfriend yesterday was so lovely. She was bright, kind, and warm. I was able to discuss openly how important it is to me that Tim, the children, and I are still a family even though we are no longer a couple. She shared that her parents got divorced when she was 11, and that this is the exact dynamic she grew up with; her parents remained close friends and ended up being friends with each other’s new partners as well. I was shocked; how perfect. So I triple checked with her and said, “So it’s not intimidating to you how close we are? That doesn’t bother you?” She explicitly said, “Nope, this is exactly what I grew up with, so I am totally comfortable with it.” I walked away from the coffee date in almost disbelief. How perfect to welcome someone into our fold who literally had this as her own family experience? We hugged in the parking lot and later exchanged warm texts acknowledging how lovely it was to meet one another. So much of divorce and post-divorce life sucks, but then you have a meeting and reality that is so epically beautiful like this, and you think, “Damn, this is turning out all right…” With love and gratitude, Anna
I’ve never written a blog, but I did write 60,000 words in a single word document during the 2-year period that I agonized and swirled over whether or not to get divorced. Writing was a healing outlet, but it was just for me then. I needed space and time to write my deepest, darkest thoughts in the early quiet mornings when my children were still sleeping, and I had a second to breathe and to think. Your mind can so often play tricks on you, and so writing, pulling the thoughts out and into physical form can be such a guiding, helpful tool to suss out what is real and what is true. I was so lost then…so lost. Writing was a savior and a guiding light for me. I’ve had eight state licenses. I have to imagine that’s somewhat uncommon for most Americans - to have had 8 different state driver’s licenses (1 twice) by the time they are 34 years old. Everyone gets asked, “Where are you from?” I never have a good answer; I’m an amalgamation of NC, TN, NY, GA, VA, CA, MA, and PA. The first 3 states I lived in before I was 18; the remaining 5, I accomplished in a span of 11 years out of college with my college sweetheart (aka my ex-husband). For most people, where they are from is a very grounding thing, but not for me. It should come as no surprise that when we finally “landed” in North Carolina when my children were 4 & 2, I for the very first time, “sat still.” There was so much chaos in frequently moving for 34 years; it is also a brilliant way to hemorrhage cash! Another aspect of my story that feels important to share is that I was raised in a very strong evangelical Christian home; my dad was a Presbyterian minister, in a fairly conservative denomination. My parents are good, kind people who I am very close to, but it is a bizarre thing to be raised in a very religious household where the religious worldview dictates essentially everything you are taught about the world. Our religion was our “stability” as we endured the chaos of moving many times while I was growing up. There is such a deep part of me that wishes so badly I had been raised one place my whole life; that I could have graduated high school with people I went to kindergarten with. Even more so, there is such a deep part of me that wishes my parents had been “normal” Christians, where it was a part of our life, but not like, our whole life. I believed it all hook, line, and sinker, and it took many years to untangle it, and to find myself. I turned 34, my ex-husband and I bought our first house, and I finally had time to pause. The chaos of moving for the last 34 years was over (at least for the near future) and I finally had space to think through so much about me, who I was, and what I had become as the result of all my experiences and how I was raised. The two years that followed would be the most painful and agonizing years of my life (in my now 40 years on this planet). I have never been in so much anguish and turmoil, and I have never felt so alone, wondering if I should stay married or get divorced. My work now, coaching people who are also in anguish and turmoil over the state of their marriages, has allowed me to turn my pain into my purpose. I remember so distinctly feeling that I hoped no one else I knew would ever feel this alone, if they started to wonder if divorce might be the path for them. Years later, I would discover Divorce Coaching and get to turn my past pain into my whole purpose. It is a gift and an honor to walk alongside people who find themselves in a similar spot to where I was five years ago. If you are reading this now and are curious, reach out to me for the guide I have created on Divorce Contemplation. It has compiled all of the resources I leaned on so heavily during my period of discernment. It will equip you with great books, podcasts, and articles that might help illuminate whatever the right next step is for you… You can also read more about Divorce Contemplation here . With love and light, Anna